Babies and Bath Water

Backtracking
In the history of time, has anyone literally thrown a baby out with the bath water? But then I suppose many metaphors are unlikely to have ever been carried out literally. The baby, unless exceptionally tiny, would struggle to fit down the plug hole. I would imagine that the police may be interested in any attempts to dispose of infants in such a manner. And I've yet to meet anyone quite so pig headed as to cut off their nose despite their face. Though maybe that's what really happened to Daniella Westbrook and she simply made up the drugs story in a poorly calculated attempt to save face (pun intended).


Anyway, after my huge rant in my previous blog post, I've calmed down a bit. Tim Brownson has reminded me that there are valuable aspects in personal development (the aforementioned freshly-washed infant) amongst the dross (grey bath water). It's just frustrating that there is often such a lack of critical thinking and scientific evidence for many self-help theories being peddled by so-called experts. No wonder more established professions such as medical doctors and psychologists frown upon the personal development field when it lacks rigour. 


As an aside, it's useful to remember that some people do do it right - hence "positive psychology" degrees being taught at certain enlightened universities, which seem to go to great lengths to care about taking a properly scientific approach. Interestingly, positive psychology focusses on helping people with average mental health to excel, as opposed to standard psychology which often has a focus on the ill; helping people with poor mental health to reach an average again. Positive psychology is a relatively new field, and I believe it is making great strides towards improving society one person at a time, though it needs to extend its reach much further still and become more socially acceptable.


Beliefs
Moving on, recently I've been experimenting with some techniques for changing beliefs. I think we all carry around some unhelpful beliefs about ourselves that we simply assume are true and we rarely challenge them. Unfortunately these beliefs aren't harmless - they have undesirable consequences such as making us feel bad unnecessarily, or preventing us from fulfilling our potential.


For example, many of us believe (and frequently tell themselves) that we are stupid, or ugly, or bad at maths, or crap with money, or a poor friend/partner/lover etc etc... Basically in some way we think we are "not good enough". It takes balls to recognise and admit this to ourselves!


In the last year or so I've become fairly adept at REBT techniques for changing the way that I react to external events. These have been a minor miracle for me and have resulted in far fewer occurrences of negative emotions. Basically, they've made me much happier on average. They're easily one of the most powerful set of self-help techniques that I've ever come across.


But interestingly, our innermost beliefs about ourselves often operate at a subconscious level, so we're usually not aware of them even when consciously implementing the critical thinking techniques of REBT.


It's been my experience in the last few weeks that you have to deliberately hunt out your negative beliefs about yourself. You need to keep a close eye on your inner monologue to catch them. This definitely takes practice!


The good news is that once you've spotted a negative belief about yourself, the techniques for changing it are pretty simple. Michael Neill discussed these in his book SuperCoach. I read about this technique a while ago, but like a lot of things, there's a big difference between knowing something and actually implementing it. As an aside, that's another self-help book with some great techniques, but also a lot of bollocks in between. It can be hard work differentiating between the two!


Here's the process that I've been experimenting with for changing negative/limiting beliefs:
1) Write down the negative belief, e.g. Nobody that I fancy finds me attractive (This isn't one of mine, I've just made it up!)
2) Turn the belief into a positive statement. Don't worry if it seems unlikely! e.g. Quite a few people think that I'm attractive. Tip: Don't go overboard, it has to feel at least slightly possible!
3) Every now and then, tell yourself that the above positive statement is true.
4) In the next few days and weeks, actively look for evidence that supports the positive belief. Also actively look for evidence that undermines the previous negative belief.
5) From time to time, decide that you'll act as if the positive belief were true. It's just a bit of fun and you'll be surprised at how different it makes you feel.


Personally, a few weeks ago I had an irrational belief that I couldn't succeed at any big project or goal in my life because I'd always fall at the last hurdle. Tim Brownson helped me to realise that this belief was based on threadbare evidence, yet to me it felt completely true! Now I can see that there's tonnes of evidence to show that by and large, I've made a pretty good success of my life and there are plenty of projects/goals that I haven't messed up. My previous belief now seems totally ludicrous.


There will be some amongst you that think what I'm proposing is nonsensical and heresy, e.g. "I can't change facts about myself, I am who I am". Well, to that I'd offer a subtly different alternative: You are who you think you are, and thoughts (even deeply ingrained ones) can be changed. It just takes conscious effort and practice.


It's such a freeing thought to realise that you can define your own reality. To a large extent, you decide what is true and what isn't about yourself, your personality, your capabilities. Think of all the possibilities!


I'd speculate that it's possible to go too far with this technique. If you convince yourself that you're the most confident person in the world, you may come across to others as arrogant or delusional! And if you decide you're God's Gift to Women, you may just seem sleazy. With that caution in mind, I'd recommend this technique as being very effective at stretching the boundaries of what you'd previously simply accepted as true and/or possible. So why not start small and see where it takes you!


If you want to find out more about the theory behind these techniques, check out this book on Amazon, which is only £2 something for the Kindle version: About Self Esteem and How To Be Confident (The Self Help Bible).


Moodscope
Lastly, I just wanted to mention a cool website called Moodscope. You log in each day and track your mood by rating yourself against various emotions. If that sounds a little navel-gazey and narcissistic, bear in mind that it is very useful for improving your self awareness. You learn what sorts of things tend to make you happy and which make you less so. Over time you can learn to recognise the symptoms of an impending bad mood and implement strategies to prevent them or reduce their severity. Cool, huh?


The ratings system is based on scales developed by the American Psychological Association, so I feel reassured that it's probably based on fairly sound science.


One of the coolest things about moodscope is the daily email you get sent after signing up. It usually features a little anecdote which helps you to get your thinking into the right place and therefore improve your mood. There are loads of wise little nuggets and I really look forward to getting them each day. It's free, so why not check it out at www.moodscope.com.


Ciao for now, have a great New Year!